The Problem of Perspective...

Humility is my favorite character trait in a person. And to be honest, I am not even sure how one gets to a place where humility exudes from them. But there is something very refreshing about a person who can be in the middle of a discussion and say, “Eh, but I could be wrong.” At that very moment instead of thinking I have them right where I want them and it is time to go in for the kill I think, “Well, if you are wrong then maybe I am too. Maybe we are both wrong? Maybe the answers we are looking for are wrong because we are discussing the wrong question.” But on the other hand this humility is the very same thing that leads one to be confident. When the very same person that admits, one time, that they could be wrong looks at you and says that they have put a lot of thought into a matter and are positive that they are on the right side makes you think. Perhaps, I am wrong again. Perhaps this person has a perspective I have never seen. Perhaps I am the one that needs to change.

In this day in age we are constantly talking about the problems we are facing, the economy, homosexual rights, racism, women’s rights. And on every front we are discussing the changes that need to be made to make everything right in the world. If we can just fix the economy and have plenty of money, if we can just let gay people get married then everything will be right in the world, yes? Overnight, we have fixed everything. The changes that had to be made in the world were made quickly and swiftly and to top it off I was right all along. I told you exactly what we needed to do and here it is. These were the solutions to the world’s problems. Except, no. Once these problems are fixed we will be presented with a whole different set of problems that will be threatening our way of life. These problems will crash upon us, ready to tell us that we were wrong all along, again. So we enter into more discussions with more solutions that will be ready to change the world. And all along problems keep on popping up, threatening our lives and we keep on changing the world around us to make things better and we are caught in a never ending cycle of fear and triumph. And all along one thing has stayed consistent. We have.

Probably most people, in response to that thought, “Yes! Consistency!” But I propose that if something is consistently broken then consistency most likely isn’t for the best. So yes, I said it. You are broken. As well am I. We all are, each and everyone in a different way. So perhaps it is best that we didn’t consistently stay the same. If we are constantly faced with problems that are threatening our very existence then maybe the problem was never very external. The problem has been inside us all along. And it is time for a change. To be philosophical for a moment and to explain why every problem is a bit of an internal problem we have to understand how we see the world. It is impossible for us to view any exterior factors without us first viewing them through our “lens”. Some places, call this a “worldview”. I prefer to call it us. In our heads we interpret and perceive the world different than everyone around us. Hence, why we have so many differing opinions even though the external factors that we have are the same. So we take these factors and through who we are and what we believe we interpret these so that we can form an opinion. So, you are just as much a part of any problem as any external factors are. Somewhere along the way Christians have forgotten that the very first problem is within our hearts. To change the world around us Christians must first change ourselves. (I can already imagine the prideful response that last sentence elicits. If your God looks a lot like you might I question that, in fact, you are your very own God.) Rest assured, that whomever the next president is will neither fix all of our problems, nor cause more. Perhaps we are just all asking the wrong questions. Instead of focusing so hard on all these external “problems” we are facing maybe we should look internal and see what the problems are. When we walk out of the darkness that is ourselves all the external issues that are causing problems might not be that threatening after all. We are aligned to a nation, but we are not yet standing on its soil.

The lost art of the humble...

" But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” - James 4:6


I think one of the reasons that I cling to music so much more often than church is because of humility. Now, I realize that many people would oppose my assumption that most often lyricist are humble but I dare say that any person that would sing of their trial and errors would be defined more humbly than that of many. Perhaps that is one of the functions of art. To allow us to be humble. It is most often in areas in which art has ceased to develop that we see a lack of humility.

I think this might be the greatest misfunctions of the church today and quite possibly one of the reasons I strongly dislike going. I hate the lack of humility found in the place. Especially, in a place where humility is one of the foremost cornerstones of the community. I have a lot more thinking to do on this subject but I just read a quote that said this: "Humility cannot exist in the spiritual vacuum that is self-righteousness."

I know one thing. I struggle with humility. In fact I will give you this. I doubt any of them will read this or any of you will know who I am referring to so I will go ahead. But I have a group of friends and we are all really close and we like to speak as if we are all going to be friends forever. But I know that we won't. I also know what is going to rip us all apart. We all lack humility. And like in the article we are not the self-righteous annoying churchy types. No, we are real people that often show love in a multitude of situations. But we lack humility in so many different ways. We all pridefully believe that in some way or another we are better than the rest. And it will rip us apart. It breaks my heart but I don't know how to stop it. But I guess the first step is for me to learn how to be humble.

Maybe it is time to take up an art form and bring my flaws to the forefront of my head.

The small whisper amidst the roar of progress...

I wake up this morning and I can't decide if I am feeling any more "Christmasy" or not. It has been a struggle this year to get behind this whole "Christmas" idea. And I am not really sure why, which is more frustrating than anything because I like to have everything figured out and laid out right in front of me. I might not be able to fix it but at the very least I can usually know what is wrong with me. But not this time. So here we are on Christmas Eve and I wish I could close my eyes and jump straight to the Candlelight Service at church. And that is surprising to me as well considering how on most days I am more defiant to my God than I ever would care to admit but tonight I just want to acknowledge my saviour. If just for a bit. Quietly, humbly. To worship Him in a fashion in which He chose to come into this world.

It is days like this where I wonder if they knew what as really going on 2000 years ago. Even if Mary and Joseph really conceived what was going to happen through a life of a child. But to be honest I wonder if I really ever understand the magnitude of it all.

We have turned a celebration of his coming into a formulaic and ritualized holiday that centers around family and presents. Good for the economy but this year I am struggling to see where this fits into a Saviour that taught his followers to sell all they had. As a human race we have progressed so far and yet the days in which we are most meant to dwell on the Saviour that has come is the time in which it is so easy to lose sight of him amongst the craziness.

He could have come in splendor. He could have come in glory. He could have come as a warrior. But instead He came as a man. A simple man in a trough in a barn. Yet, a God that would take my brokenness and shame and cast it on Himself and pay my burden because He was the only one that could defeat it and rescue us all.

Worship these next two days is found in a small whisper amongst the roar of everything else.

And when you opened your eyes you saw the advent...

My first thought today was, "you know, I bet if I ate more christmas tree little debbie cakes I bet I would be more in the Christmas mood." I love those things. Absolutely, positvely, adamantly love them. And I have eaten maybe two. Only one I can definitely remember. That is a problem.

I haven't made it a secret that I haven't really been in the mood for Christmas this year. That doesn't mean anyone has asked or anyone has even cared and they most likely probably shouldn't cause well, let's admit it, I kind of have a tendency to be a little bit of a debbie downer. (But not a "little debbie" downer as I have aforementioned... haha, I crack myself up.) The line that keeps on popping into my head is a line from Manchester Orchestra that stabs, "They call holidays an option for a reason." Nobody asked me if I wanted to have Christmas right now. I bet I will be in more of a mood for Christmas come mid March. Mid March sounds good, doesn't it? Lets do it then. We can still get together as families and tell each other how important we are to each other in all the typical love languages. But you know, I'm just not feeling it right now. Even though for all intensive purposes life is going well and everything I have wanted it to be for so long, I just don't want to sing these peppy christmas carols and sing songs about love and such. So, let's back up and just merely enjoy the abnormally cold weather this december has brought us. Right? I am right, right? I can't be alone in this. Others have to feel this way.

But it bugs me that I am not feeling "christmasy". I want to have the warm fuzzies and I want to feel all these happy things but they just aren't there. That is the point of this holiday after all. And what place does the sad and downtrodden have at Christmas except to be a burden on all the happy people around them. These are the ones that have no place at Christmas, in the land of the happy songs and perky people. In a time that is defined by it's love and it's giving what are to be made of the the people who have no love to give? Well, let them put on a mask I would say. They come in all shapes and sizes and faces and it is quite possible no one will see your mask. Everyone will love you for who you are not as your soul rips apart inside. In dire need of something, anything. These people might not serve a purpose for Christmas but Christmas definitely serves a purpose for these people. It is in this time that you don't have to stop. I successfully went nonstop for nearly two weeks before a night came where I had nowhere to go and no one to see. And that is the night it all comes crashing down on you. Distractions are nice. I love them, but they are temporary.

I have a few issues with what we would term as the evangelical church in America but this is not the blog in which I rant about that. But it is where I discuss one. This one. Where is your place for the broken? Is it on a shiny flashy tree? Is it in a manger scene on your lawn? Is it in your pride in keeping CHRIST in CHRISTmas?

You see, advent comes in many forms. Most of the time it is found on purpose. A church body making a point in remembering the waiting of an arrival of a saviour. In todays age, we jump straight to it don't we. We have completely forgot about the waiting. The pain, the agony, the despair of the people awaiting a saviour. Everything we have in church we want it now. We have even condensed salvation into a little guide where you can be instantly saved. (I remember hearing stories of people who would close their eyes to say the formulated prayer asking "Jesus into their heart" and how when they opened their eyes everything looked different. Everything had changed! It was instant, exactly how we all wanted it to be. I have prayed multiple times in my life hoping to open my eyes and see the world instantly different only to have my joy dashed as my eyes readjusted to the light around me. I was pissed.) But this is the kind of Christmas we have. Instant.

You see, their is a place for the broken at Christmas. Their is a place for the downtrodden and weary because in fact Christmas is for us. We did not choose this advent too bring us some satisfaction but rather we find ourselves in a situation in which we are once again looking for a saviour and we find that advent. We find that we are in need and we find that we are just waiting. Most often, we know who He is but somewhere along the way we lost touch. And that is ok. We all lose touch. But this holiday is for you. For the one who is need of a saviour. For someone who needs rescue. Christmas never was nor ever will be about big ass trees and annoying happy lights. It isn't even about family or giving presents. It is about a saviour who has come. You have paid your advent. You have waited. Don't you ever forget it. The wait is just important as the rescue. And now He is here to rescue.

So to end it, I guess I am in the perfect mood for Christmas. (And don't worry. Christ will be in Christmas as long as there are broken people.)

The confession of the broken...

Yeah, I know... I suck at this blogging stuff. But trust me, there is a lot more stuff that I suck at a lot more.

I just read this fantastic article on one of my favorite websites, Burnside Writers Collective. To sum up this article, it is essentially about how we find it so hard to disclose the messy parts of our life and how we try to get around the things that people will judge us about. I liked the article so much because I understood it. I see how easy it is to not lie, but at the same time not to be quite so honest too. Especially in this Christian culture that we have built. (Note: I meant to say that WE built. Not that GOD has built. God does not need our subculture, trust me.)

People used to like me more, I think. I used to be the shining example of the perfect church boy. I knew all the right things to say. I was "on fire" for God. People liked that. They held me up as a shining example of what a good Christian teenager should be. It was essentially bullcrap. It was a lie. It was a fabulous show that was put on by some scared kid that had no clue who God was. And because of this lie and this show that wore me out I only became confused by a world that I had created. Because, you know, sometimes life sucks. And even when life sucks, these "altogether people" are supposed to grin and talk some line about how God is in control. But what about when you aren't too sure about that? Is it ok to walk into church and say that you aren't too sure if God is really as in control as everyone in that room thinks He is? At that time in my life, I decided that wouldn't be as great an idea. And that left me only alone and depressed and angry at a God that I suddenly realized I had no clue who He was. Or even if He was there for that fact. This went on for a solid few years. The story is too long to tell how i regained my faith. And FAITH is the perfect word for that cause most days I have plenty more reasons why there is not a God than why there is. But at some point enters faith.

And now there is a Clay that knows God. But this Clay is different. (He obviously refers to himself in third person) But now, I am broken. And I have no problem admitting that to you. Now I often find more community in a bar than in a church. Mostly because I find that bars are more accepting of my brokenness. (A great article on the matter by Switchfoot lead singer John Foreman) And I find, that God likes community. Where I was once totally in my element in most churches I now find myself completely uncomfortable anytime I walk into a church. Mainly because I rarely ever feel clean enough to be there. I don't get held up as this shining example of Christiandom anymore. That makes me happy. I like being happy. I like being the broken whore child  of one who loves me even though more often than not I run from him instead of too him. I like worshipping a God that I can be honest with. Because right now I am feeling a little more like this. Wondering if this is just a test and hoping that I am passing cause I am losing steam and I still want to trust You...

The reverance of the far away light...

It is the nights where I look into the stars that I start to doubt. Not God. But me. Or rather us. The society that has moved us so far forward seems to have only taken us away in so many ways. Did God need us to make bright lights for us to feel the warmth? I have never claimed to be anything but a city boy. But it is these days and nights that I doubt that. The nights where the creek below seems to whisper his glory and the trees all around speak of his grace. The nights where we can actually look up and realize what was meant by innumerable stars. Where you can see stars so slight and dim that you can only see them when your gaze is elsewhere. The moment that you search for them they disappear from your view only to return when we stop looking. So faint is there light and so far that the light has traveled it is doubtful that we can ever truly accept their existence as we accept the existence of those things that we commonly have constructed around us. Sometimes, maybe it is just easier to construct a God. And yes, I meant big G there. Because we aren't ever really trying to push God away or replace him. As far as intentions go we most often than not have the best. We try to push the presence of God into the air like we can light a scented candle and it fill the room. That scares the crap out of me. I can't think of the presence of God without thinking of the old temple where "holy" men died purely because of the presence of God. So instead of waiting for that presence, we instead manufacture one that we can control. One that we can turn on and off as we please. One that I feel David would have often felt uncomfortable in as he sat there searching for the God that he loved and adored. But couldn't find. We manufacture the sacred in hopes of a constant presence of God in our lives. So that perhaps he may never leave. Perhaps we may never feel as if we are unholy? Which is ironic in that it is often the presence that makes us feel at our most destitute. But we do.

Now if you know me, you know that I love creation. I believe that the greatest act of worship is for one to create. To make art. So once again we find this fine line that must be walked. That must lightly be tread upon. To far one way we are merely manufacturing art and too far the other way we are forsaking the worship of a Creator who has created what can create.

But tonight, I cannot create the stars. I cannot create the whisper of a creek. I cannot create the cold that is currently stinging my fingers. So I will praise God for these. Not for what was manufactured but rather what is making me uncomfortable. What I cannot quite comprehend. And was is giving me beauty. All three things working together to cry out the presence of the Holy.

The first night that nips on your nose...

It is my first night of a few in the mountains with some friends. It is late, or early, depending on your perspective of the sunrise and thoughts have suddenly rushed into my head as the tide rushes onto a shallow shore. The waves of thought crashing and hopefully leaving the marks that can only be seen in the daylight when the tide has subsided. These are the waves that truly make in impact. There are many that wash ashore and leave minuscule changes in the landscape but every now and then there is one or two that crashes so hard that the shore will never quite be the same. The beach itself has changed. And yet, most often it isn't the large waves that make the change. It is the small waves being persistent over time. I think that is the key to change. It isn't in the big thoughts that overtake you and suddenly change your ways completely. Every now and then there will be a tidal wave of enlightenment which completely changes your very existence but most often we change by the small thoughts that we have daily. And over time we see these small thought that at one time weren't of much value changing our very core,  our very landscape of person. We put too much focus on the epic and not enough on time in our society. The epic is, in all actuality, very rare. But the small, with time, happens daily. If we can only hold on to them.

Nudity. I can probably have as many different reactions to the word nudity as I have friends. But at one point we were meant to be naked. I glanced at an article tonight that talked about our original nude nature. I have often thought how the first recognition of our unworthiness of the presence of the holy was our nudity. One thing that has never occurred to me though was what this actually meant. There were no body image issues, there was no trying to look like everyone else, or being physically to a standard that was set up by a society. These, are merely by-products of the sinful society that we live in. In the presence of the holy there is security. So to my female friends, who struggle with body image. I say that you are beautiful in every way that you are. You are worthy of love in every way that you appear and in every way that you exist. Cause you were once loved while you were naked. Nothing hiding anything except exactly who you are.