Yeah, I know... I suck at this blogging stuff. But trust me, there is a lot more stuff that I suck at a lot more.
I just read this fantastic article on one of my favorite websites, Burnside Writers Collective. To sum up this article, it is essentially about how we find it so hard to disclose the messy parts of our life and how we try to get around the things that people will judge us about. I liked the article so much because I understood it. I see how easy it is to not lie, but at the same time not to be quite so honest too. Especially in this Christian culture that we have built. (Note: I meant to say that WE built. Not that GOD has built. God does not need our subculture, trust me.)
People used to like me more, I think. I used to be the shining example of the perfect church boy. I knew all the right things to say. I was "on fire" for God. People liked that. They held me up as a shining example of what a good Christian teenager should be. It was essentially bullcrap. It was a lie. It was a fabulous show that was put on by some scared kid that had no clue who God was. And because of this lie and this show that wore me out I only became confused by a world that I had created. Because, you know, sometimes life sucks. And even when life sucks, these "altogether people" are supposed to grin and talk some line about how God is in control. But what about when you aren't too sure about that? Is it ok to walk into church and say that you aren't too sure if God is really as in control as everyone in that room thinks He is? At that time in my life, I decided that wouldn't be as great an idea. And that left me only alone and depressed and angry at a God that I suddenly realized I had no clue who He was. Or even if He was there for that fact. This went on for a solid few years. The story is too long to tell how i regained my faith. And FAITH is the perfect word for that cause most days I have plenty more reasons why there is not a God than why there is. But at some point enters faith.
And now there is a Clay that knows God. But this Clay is different. (He obviously refers to himself in third person) But now, I am broken. And I have no problem admitting that to you. Now I often find more community in a bar than in a church. Mostly because I find that bars are more accepting of my brokenness. (A great article on the matter by Switchfoot lead singer John Foreman) And I find, that God likes community. Where I was once totally in my element in most churches I now find myself completely uncomfortable anytime I walk into a church. Mainly because I rarely ever feel clean enough to be there. I don't get held up as this shining example of Christiandom anymore. That makes me happy. I like being happy. I like being the broken whore child of one who loves me even though more often than not I run from him instead of too him. I like worshipping a God that I can be honest with. Because right now I am feeling a little more like this. Wondering if this is just a test and hoping that I am passing cause I am losing steam and I still want to trust You...
